No matter how many times I look back at the events of the last few days I still can’t make any sense of it.
All I know is that my dearest cat, Dickens, is gone.
How could I have been in a veterinarian’s office just three days ago, thinking all Dickens needed was a change in his thyroid meds, and by the following evening he would be gone?
How could he have had cancer throughout his body and no one knew?
Dickens had been on a weight loss plan for several years, as I slowly brought him down from 23 pounds to 14 pounds. A visit to the vet 6 weeks ago confirmed he was ok and could even lose another pound.
A month later I was back at the vet's office because Dickens didn’t look well and I knew something was wrong. Blood tests showed he had a high thyroid and two weeks ago he was started on meds for that.
He didn't tolerate the meds well, even after switching to the gel form. Within a few days he was depressed and lethargic.
Still thinking it was the meds, I went to speak with a cat specialist three days ago about the radioactive iodine therapy for high thyroid. Instead, I was sent to an emergency hospital where Dickens was immediately put on IVs and oxygen.
Tests showed he had cancer throughout his abdomen and organs. There was nothing that could be done.
I brought him home for a few hours to say goodbye to his three sisters and the only home he had ever known. Then I brought him back to the hospital and said my own goodbye to this dearest and most wonderful friend.
Dickens had a large presence. He filled our home with his mischievous nature and dedication to living a curious and joyous life. His loss has left a huge hole in my world. I don’t know if I should walk around that hole or jump into it. Perhaps I’ll just sit at the edge and dangle my feet in the void, and pray that I feel some whiskers on my toes.
I am lost without you, my sweet boy. Not seeing your black paws sticking out from under my clothes in the closet last night reduced me to a flood of tears. Not seeing you on the hamper this morning while I dried my hair left me shaking. Not having you join me at the table for breakfast told me this was all really happening.
You truly are gone.
Your impish spirit and magical heart will be with me forever. I promise to watch over your three sisters, although no one could take care of us as well as you did. We are lost without you, sweetie, and the road ahead looks awfully dark and lonely.
I will be forever grateful that Jake found you and your sisters under the deck, and that I had the privilege of sharing my life with you for the last 12 years. I know Jake was waiting for you, and you are now flying through the heavens together.
Never forget how much I loved you, Dickens. And if you're ever in the neighborhood, please stop by...there will always be a can of whipped cream in the fridge, just for you.
With all my love and many, many tears,
Your Earthly Mama,